Planning a Wedding While One Of You Is In The Military - Navy Edition

Been there, done that! Getting married is one thing. Planning a wedding is a whole nother thing! Normal couples get engaged, plan a wedding for the future, take their time and make sure everything is just right! Its your wedding day, its supposed to be perfect right?

In theory, yes. In reality, not quite.

Now its stressful enough for a normal couple. But for us military folk.....throw in a few years of schooling in a few different states, a deployment or two, not knowing if you can take leave and anything else they might decide to throw at you because after all, you are at their mercy. And that perfect wedding becomes MUCH less attainable. 

We eloped while my husband was in A-School. You can read about that HERE. At that point we had no idea if and/or when we may be able to have a ceremony. We didn't want to plan something and hope he could come home so we just waited to play it by ear. A few months went by and he found out he would graduate just in time to be able to come home for holiday stand down before his next duty station. SO he put in for leave and I started planning. We had about 3 months. Mind you, we didn't know if he leave would actually get approved, there was no reason it shouldn't, but I had to keep that in mind. 

Plan For The Worst:
Make sure when reserving a venue, that they have a military clause or a refund, or at least be able to reschedule. You really never know what can happen. Our venue was so flexible and VERY military friendly. They understood completely that plans can change at the drop of a dime. There was a navy wedding the weekend before ours. The woman from the venue said, the husband graduated from school and was supposed to come home on leave for his wedding but found out he was getting sent out on a deployment instead. Needless to say they had to postpone the wedding and pushed it back an entire year. So, yes, anything can happen.

Ask for a military discount!

Be Flexible:

Now, I was never one of those girls who dreamed about my wedding day. Which I always thought at some point might put me at a disadvantage but it turned out working in my favor. I didn't have any crazy ideas or expectations that I "needed" to have at my wedding. I mean I had "ideas" but nothing was set in stone. If I had it my way, we would have had a simple, small, CASUAL, outdoor wedding/pig roast. With craft beer, home made wine, a live band, volleyball, corn hole and other fun outdoor activities. Okay....so maybe I DID have an idea of what I wanted. haha But lets be honest here. We are from Cleveland, Ohio, we had 3 months before getting new orders which put us at the end of November for the wedding. That outdoor wedding was impossible. So I had to scrap the whole idea and 'want' something else. My small outdoor wedding turned into a not small at all indoor wedding.

Shop Around For Dresses:

I know you probably have your heart set on a certain dress or style of dress but shop around. Try on things that you don't think you'll like.

I wanted a flowy lace dress, found it and stopped trying things on. Went back a few weeks later to buy it after looking around at other places trying to find good prices. And ended up buying a completely different dress and it was on clearance! I didn't even want to try it on. It looks horrible on the rack. But once I got into it, it fit like a glove! I didn't want to take it off.

Be Creative:

Don't do things a certain way just because thats how it's "supposed" to be. Thats all pretty much shot to hell at this point anyway if you're throwing together a wedding in a few months. Some of the best weddings I've been to have been the simple, elegant, laid back ones. 

Pinterest is your best friend! Thanks to all of the wonderful people who post things. People like "us" can throw things together in a relatively short time frame while spending very little money! Then we reciprocate by posting what we did! See how that works?! Try to think of unique ways to save money and still achieve the look/vibe/ambiance that you're looking for. 

Look for seasonal decorations that you can find in nature! Berries, evergreen, wood, leaves, sand, shells, rocks, ferns. I mean the options are really endless. The cost is minimal to you and it looks so good. We used cranberries in our center pieces instead of flowers and saved HUNDREDS of dollars on flowers, probably thousands. My mom's friend, the harp player, also makes wine so she and her husband made us cranberry wine with all of the cranberries after the wedding! Nothing went to waste! :)

Try to find other things that match your "colors" besides store bought flowers. We used pomegranates and apples. They're large enough to take up negative space while providing depth and color. Same with flower peddles that may have fallen off. Keep them and use them! 

My mom made favor bags for us with truffles we bought in bulk from Costco and bags we ordered online. We just printed out stickers and slapped them on the front. My mom added the bow's as a finishing touch.

I popped TONSSS of popcorn the day before and we had a popcorn bar with different seasonings after dinner. I loved this! Probably because I have a sick obsession with home popped popcorn. I did two batches at a time on the stove in 2 big pans for many hours..... haha Its a healthy gluten free snack. 

The Dollar Store, Amazon and Costco/Sams Club Are Your Friends:

All of the tea light candles, the votives we put them in, the vases we used as center pieces, it all came from the dollar store and amazon. We use some of them around the house and you might even be able to sell some of it when you're done. Especially if you know someone else who is getting married or having a party. Ask around, you never know!

All of our plates came from Costco. It wasn't eco friendly but it saved us the money of having to rent the plates from the venue or caterer. 

FLOWERS:

Flowers will make or break you! Yes they're beautiful, they're also expensive! BUT we spent less that $175  on ALL of the flowers for the entire wedding! By not using flowers as center pieces we saved a ton. For the brides maids we used dried hydrangea's from the tree's in front of my parents' house. We got the rest of the flowers at a wholesale flower warehouse...thing. I don't know how else to describe it. My mom and her friend Deb, the harp player. Went really early in the morning on a Saturday. I think they're only open on saturday mornings? But they went, checked off what they wanted, waited in line and they got the flowers. They got a couple dozen red roses with greenery and babies breath and a bouquet of mixed roses. They also got some white lilies with greenery and a few other mixed bouquets. Between those three they put together my bouquet, the boutonnières, and about 3 or 4 extra arrangements to be used as decor wherever needed. 

Be Kind To Your Wedding Party:

If you've been in a wedding (I know I have) you know how ridiculous buying brides maids dresses, tuxes, matching shoes and accessories can be. It gets expensive and not everyone looks good in that bright purple, strapless dress that the bride loves. Chances are they'll have very little notice that they will be in your wedding.

I told my bridesmaids to go buy a tasteful black dress and wear black heels. Gave them a few examples and sent them on their way. If they were going to buy something, I wanted them to at least be able to use it again. 

Groomsmen had it really easy. Wear a grey suit, which most 20 something men should have for job interviews and things of that nature. If they don't they can get a very reasonably priced one. We got the ties so they all matched. I believe I ordered 7 of them online for $42 including shipping. 

Use Your Networks!

Make sure you ask around! You may know people who can help you out immensely, and not even realize it. Venues can be expensive so ask around and think outside the box! 

My mom's friend plays the harp and played for our ceremony. She also has a sister-in-law who is a wedding planner and let us use some of her "wedding stuff" for free! You may know a baker, caterer, or someone who has a meat smoker. (I'm still going on about this pig roast. I REALLY want someone to have a pig roast! haha) I knew a girl from college who is a wonderful photographer. We were never close "friends" more of aquantences. Friends of friends. But I needed a photographer and I loved her work so I reached out. And she is a GEM! The sweetest person and I will keep in touch with her for probably the rest of the foreseeable future. And her photos are incredible! Kayla Coleman Photography. Look her up.

Figure Out What's REALLY Important:

Don't go spending money on all of these things that frankly, don't really matter. Keep it simple and spend your money wisely. Unless you have unlimited funds, then, by all means have at it. But, here in real life, we have budgets. Decide where to spend the money that you have. 

• Do you want a 5-star caterer or a pig roast? (there I go again with the pig)
• $2000 dress or $200 dress? Get lucky enough to find a thrift shop dress? I tried but failed.
• Do you want an expensive venue, or does a friend/family member have a barn, a winery, pond or just a nice house or yard? Maybe there a nearby park? 
• Wedding planner or DIY? 
• Buying decorations or making them? 
• Do you know a photographer or want to look for one to hire?
• Do you want alcohol? What kind? 
• DJ or do you have a friend in a band? (I wanted live music so badly but we just didn't have time)
• Real plates and silver wear or plastic? (We used plastic, it looked real and we tossed it at the end of the night. Got it all at Costco.)

This is my best advice! If you think everything else I say is bullshit at least take this into consideration! If you spend the money anywhere, get a good photographer. And I don't mean an expensive photographer, because you can find some pretty crappy ones that still charge $1,500-$2,000. You can also fine some amazing ones that charge the same or less. Just look around and look at their work. You have to look at those pictures for the rest of your life. 

Have a Sense of Humor and Don't Be a DRAMA Queen:

Things WILL go wrong. Things won't look how you want. People will misconstrue what you're saying. People won't listen to you. People will completely disregard your wishes. GET OVER IT! 

For example: 

• We asked all the grooms men to wear grey suits, and 3 of them went out and rented almost the exact same black tux's when we specifically told them not to. Leaving my husband and my brother sticking out like a sore thumb. But it is what it is. 

• I asked all the brides maids wearing different dresses so they could wear what looked best for their own bodies and no one would stand out. 2 of them bought the same dress . Again, it is, what it is.

• Some people wanted to do everything (sometimes too much) and others wanted nothing to do with anything yet complained about not being involved.

But I don't even notice or care about these things now! ....Well actually I do notice some of them just because of the pictures, but it doesn't bother me any more! haha I'm just happy we had a wedding! Thats the way the universe works!

Its hard to step back and take people telling you what to do, or asking for your opinion and then shoot it down. After all its YOUR wedding, right? Just try to bite your tongue. Be gracious of the people who are trying to help and don't be resentful of the people who try to make things difficult and haven't wanted to help at all. I had a hard time with this, but in the end it was fine. Nothing was ruined and at the end of the day you have to remember that the world will still spin even if something doesn't turn out exactly how you want it to. Its just one day. And remember there are much more important things happening in the world, than your wedding. And frankly if you're anything like us, you're lucky to have even had the opportunity to have a real wedding with friends and family. So try to have some grace. 

Getting Married During A-School

So you and your Sailor want to get married during A-school?!? 

Photo Cred: Kayla Coleman Photography

Getting married in A-school is not an easy task! There are many factors that you need to take into consideration. My husband and I got married while he was in A-school and its a less than glamous experience. The above photo is from our wedding ceremony NOT when we eloped in A school. There are rules that need to be followed and tons of paper work. Yayy......

Having gone through all of this I'm going to try to answer some of the questions that you may have, by sharing my experience. I only know what we experienced while doing this in Great Lakes, IL. Please comment or email me if you have any questions that I didn't answer!

First things first!
CAN WE EVEN GET MARRIED IN A SCHOOL?

The answer is, maybe. There are many things that you have to consider if you are thinking about marriage while your sailor is in school. First and most important. Are you ready to get married? Marrying someone in the military isn't for everyone. Its not just a quick decision. You both need to talk about it. Your future will constantly be changing, whether you want it to or not. You have to be very strong, very loyal and very independent. Those traits can be learned but usually you either have them or you don't. Be honest with yourself. Can you handle being alone? Not speaking for months? Being a single mom or dad during deployments? Moving around the country/world every few years? Don't just do it because you feel pressured.

Don't get married for silly reasons. OBVIOUSLY! 

I am by no means telling anyone what they should or shouldn't do! Its your life and you know your situation best. But, you would be surprised. I've seen more than a few of my husbands friends get married in A school, only to get divorced soon after. Just think about it, long term.

You don't want to be away from each other/You miss each other:

I know it's hard being away from someone you love. Especially after something like bootcamp.... I'm sorry to break it to you but it doesn't matter if you're married or not. There will be more times than you can count that you will have to be away from each other. Getting married will only change that in the short term. If anything, you're solidifying the fact that you'll have at least 9-12 months without your significant other. And thats just one deployment. Not to mention if they have further schooling, or special orders. If any of that is less that a certain amount of months, you can not go with them.

You're afraid of what might happen being so far away/You don't trust each other to be in a long distance relationship: 

This is the absolute worst reason to get married. NEVER base a marriage on jealousy, fear or any other negative emotion. That is a very unstable foundation to build the rest of your future TOGETHER. Thats a very unstable foundation to build anything on! If you feel this way, step back and look at the situation. Have a serious talk with your significant other and try to fix your relationship. Pushing the relationship to a level that you are not ready for, will just set you up for disaster and ultimately divorce!

You get SO much extra money when you get married!:

NOT! you really don't get "extra money" when you get married to a military member. This is a common misconception. And frankly, if you would get married for money, you have a whole lot of other problems you need to deal with before thinking about marriage. Your sailor's pay hardly changes. They get an extra $100 ish added to their pay depending on their rate. What happens is, your sailor gets BAH. (Basic Allowance for Housing) Depending on where your sailor is located, they will give him or her a certain amount of money to support himself and/or his or her family. They don't get this because they're married. They have single BAH and dependent BAH again the difference is only a couple hundred dollars. Definitely not enough to support another person. Once they are out of school, they get this no matter what, as long as they're living off base. What they do get is BAS this is a separation allowance and its around $300ish. Again, depending on their rate. Your sailor is no Daddy Warbucks! Especially right out of boot camp. I made twice as much money as my husband when we got married and he was in A-school. (

We've been together for 5+ years and we want to get married (but you're 17 or just tuned 18):

Please don't. I'm sure you love each other, but a lot happens from the time that you're 17-18 to the time that you're 22-25+. A lot that can ruin a young marriage. You both will change and grow and you may just grow different ways. If you're serious about it, wait and see how the first deployment goes. God help me if I married the guy I was dating when I was 18! It would be a train wreck. And I loved him very much at the time. We dated for years. But growing up changes you and you realize the difference between the things that you want and the things that you need and where they meet in the middle. It takes time!

HOW LONG IS YOUR SAILORS SCHOOL?

This is very very important. They have a lot of rules that they have to follow when they are in school. And some schools are shorter than others. Now, I don't know about other schooling, I only know what we went through. My husband was an FC so when he left boot camp, he stayed in Great Lakes, IL. He was in Great Lakes for about a year. Once your sailors get out of boot camp, they are phase 1.

Phase 1. This means that they pretty much have no liberty. They have to wear their uniform everywhere, they can't go off base unless they have 2 other sailors with them who are also phase 1. This means you can't come sign him or her out. So, you can't get married. They also have a very strict curfew. Until they complete a certain number of tasks and room inspections they can not be phased up.

Phase 2: Once your sailor becomes phase 2 he or she has a lot more liberty. They can wear normal clothes when not on duty and sign in and out of base with a liberty buddy. They are allowed to consume alcohol (21 and over) but can not stay out over night. They have the same curfew. I was able to sign my husband out at this phase.

Phase 3: Your sailor can pretty much do what ever they want at this point. Finally. They can stay over night, as long as they are on base for muster in the morning. 

When we decided we wanted to get married my sailor was phase 2. He had to tell his chain of command that he was engaged. He then had to go to marriage classes. After completing a certain number of classes, he was then able to start the paper work. One of the things he had to tell them was when we were getting married, which at the time we didn't know. They pretty much told him if he was serious about getting married he had to do it ASAP so I would be on his orders. Otherwise it wouldn't work.

Once he got all of the paper work done, we had to get a marriage license. You get this at the County Clerk's office. Usually in city hall. We went to the city hall in Waukegan, IL its about 15 mins from base. Depending on the state, you may need it a week before you get married or you can get it 24 hours before. In IL we had to have it for 24 hours before we could legally get married. Do our research!

you get this nifty little folder

filled with marriage goodies...

Make sure you have ALL of the documents that are required! ID, birth certificate, social security card, whatever! I brought it all and I was glad that I did. We planned on getting married on July 18th 2014. About a week before for some reason or another we had to push it up to the 17th. I still don't know why but they told him friday wouldn't work so he had to do it thursday. We went to the courthouse (off base) and got married. The "ceremony" itself took about 30 seconds. And we were married. You can choose to go all out and have a dress and flowers if you wish, but I just didn't see the point. It was still special but it was quick and we were in a room full of strangers. We also knew we would have a real ceremony with our families so we had that to look forward to.

After you get the marriage certificate you have to go to PSD. Try to plan it so that you can do all of this on the same day, or at least the same visit. You don't want to wait. So make sure you check when offices are open and on what days! It was hard for James to get off base in time to make it to the court house and to PSD because his ship's liberty would drop so late in the day. At PSD they will issue the spouse his or her Military Spouse ID. Make sure you have the marriage certificate, and all forms of identification. (again just in case!) You will be enrolling in DEERS (Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System) This is important especially if you're pregnant! Also make sure that you sailor updates his life insurance policy to include you and make sure he updates his orders!

ORDERS

This is why we had to get married so quickly. If a sailors spouse is not listed on his or her orders, the spouse and family can not go with them wherever they get stationed. You can move there on your own but who can afford to move across the country once a year? If you're on his or her orders the navy will pay to move you. But I've gathered that they will only move a spouse/family once a year. When you get married in A-school they WILL NOT pay to move you to your sailors school. If you choose to move wherever they are, it will be on your own dollar. When they graduate A-school they will go somewhere else. This is where you can have the Navy move you. If they are going to C-school, the schooling has to be longer than 8 or 9 months for them to move you. (so many rules)

BAH/BAS
Once you and your spouse are indeed married and have done all of the required paperwork, he or she will start receiving BAH and BAS in their pay. You will only get it from the day that you got married onward. For example. We got married on July 17th. So on Aug 1st when my husband got paid, we received a little less than the actual amount of BAH for the end of July. Pay goes from the 1st to the 15th and the 15th to the end of the month.

Make sure you or your spouse check their LES. This is their Leave Earnings Statement. AKA their pay stub. You can check this at: http://mypay.dfas.mil

*This website has a lot of information that you will need to know after the marriage process: Welcome to the Navy Family - Military Spouse Info

Also keep in mind it takes time for the Navy to do paper work and they don't always do it correctly. The infamous "Hurry up and wait!" is in full force here. You will almost certainly have to wait for things to get done. So, give yourselves enough time. Actually, give yourselves MORE than enough time. Don't try to rush things because the Navy does not rush.